Here I am. Back in the hood. Without Robin. Without my heart. Without humour (apparently). I look at my feet. They are moving. But just them. Nothing else moves me. I don’t know what Berlin is for me anymore. Yeah, my home of course. But shouldn’t it feel like that? It shouldn’t feel wrong all the time. You shouldn’t feel like you are wrong. ALL THE TIME. It should make you feel safe. Safe and free. But instead you are trapped in a golden cage. With the door closed, the sun outside, everything you need inside. But what you thought you need is not what is there. You keep on looking at it. Every little and every big thing. You can’t get your head around it. Maybe because your head is not there either.
You can’t get it back. Neither your heart nor your head. Nobody seems to have that power. And that is the scary part. “You just need time.” Everyone says that. You hear it at least three times a day when they look at your empty eyes. If they even notice them. Because you can’t be bothered to talk about it. You want to share your happiness, not your sadness. The latter seems to be the only present thing to share at the moment. You feel selfish. Selfish and whiny. You are. You get sick of yourself, of your thoughts. The same pathetic thoughts. Even though your mind is away. You can’t escape these almost unbearable thoughts. They just appear over and over again. At every corner of your former beloved city. You can blank them out from time to time. When you meet familiar faces with warming smiles. But not even that warmth can reach your heart. You try. You really do. You want to blame someone. You want to hope that time will save you. But you are not patient. For every solution there is a “BUT”. A “BUT” that is so big you can’t seem to climb over it. You try to go around it. It doesn’t work. So far. At least you can say “so far”. You are not sure if you truly mean it. You don’t know what is truly meaningful. The shining bars of your cage blind you. Everything is beautiful. A dazzling life. Right here. For you. Just take it. BUT you simply can’t.
Your view of beauty changed. Because your horizon expanded. You have seen different things. At first you thought you can add the new colours to your old palette. But you replaced them. The new colours can’t shine in your old surroundings. They are shiftless. Like you. That lethargy is taking your last energy. You simply can’t be bothered. And that bothers you. Kind of. Everything is kind of. You should be happy. Kind of. You are here. Kind of. They understand you. Kind of. BUT kind of is not real. Every misunderstanding is solid. Every tear is solid. Every sad moment is real. BUT not reality.
Reality just sucks.