berlin / life0 comments


Hey, you’re probably here to see if I can actually turn depressing thoughts around, right? Apparently, the last attempt didn’t quite work because the loveliest of human beings asked me if everything is alright with me after reading it. I’m fine. I really am.

Because the thing is: you can feel sad and still be fine. Okay, we’re still not going from the dark place to the bright yellow paradise with this one but you know what, that is okay.

We’re back and it isn’t what I had pictured at the beginning of our journey. What I had in mind was excitement, adventure and joy. We had that. It was one of the best things I’ve done in a long time. And do you know why it was one of the best things? Because I was sure of it. I knew I had to do it. Fuck me, I didn’t even quite know what “it” will evolve into but I knew I needed to go. Moving away to move forward. Or something like that.

It was exciting, adventurous and joyful but it was also hard. And sometimes it didn’t feel like the sure thing. Doubt started to crawl in our ears, whispering shit, asking the same questions over and over again: “How does it feel… really feel?”, “Does it still feel right?”, “Are you happy?”, “How sure are you?”, “Is it all worth it?”, “Is this how you pictured it?”.

We started to ask each other these questions, first very quietly but the whisper turned into a loud mantra pretty soon. A mantra that kind of haunted us half way through. That’s the thing with being a human being – okay, I should probably just talk about myself because with the situation in the world right now what I want to say next is definitely not something all human beings are doing – the thing about me: I need to reflect …all the fucking time. And yes, generally I do this way too much. Over and over and over till I end up in my own dull limbo.

So that is where we at right now peeps, get the pole and bend back. It’s limbo time. But don’t be fooled, there is no excitement, no adventure, no joy. No animator who will cheer for you, it’s not a party game, you’re not on a cruise.

You’re in your head where the same thought comes in a different disguise over and over again. At first you may be intrigued because it’s healthy to challenge yourself by thinking about your actions, right? But by the third time, you start to realise that you’re at the start again. Not so sure anymore because you don’t need to ask yourself all those questions if it would have been the right move in the first place, don’t you agree? So, maybe it wasn’t the right move. And boom. You created your own limbo. Trying to escape the pole of questions, bending your confidence and energy while going through them till you reach the point of no more. But what happens when you’re on your knees?

The music questions stop. You get up and do something (else). You take action. Sometimes the action is going in a total different direction than you anticipated. Other times it’s about putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes or mind. Or someone else. Sometimes it’s about admitting you need help. Other times it’s about learning to trust yourself again.

But most of the times it’s just about being fine with being unsure. Being unsure what to do next, how to do it, when to do it, where you end up with or without doing it. It’s okay to not know all the answers. I think no one really does but everyone is responsible for the way she or he handles it. Don’t let the uncertainty drain your confidence or your energy. Embrace it! Own it! Turn it into a happy limbo, where there is music and colours and fun. A limbo where you can push your boundaries without pressure and without judgement.

A limbo where starting again is a new chance of getting a bit closer to certainty. That is what I’ll try now, turning my dark limbo into one closer to a bright yellow. It’ll take time and I’m not sure how to get there or what that actually means but you know what? I’m totally fine with that.

Post from: 05.11.2017
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