I can’t believe we have to talk about this…again but we need to because it’s different this time. You are different, I am different, things are different. It wasn’t as imprudent and hot as last time. This time I was more cautious. An invisible branding on my right chest still marks the day you broke my heart. Do you remember? You broke my heart by not being present, by not being around me, by letting me go after letting me in.
I was thinking of you constantly since then. The memories we shared. The light you created in me, around me and for me. Only bright thoughts behind closed eyes. The ways you touched me. Softly. Deeply. Suddenly. I couldn’t help it. You were the magnet, too strong for my resistance, so I gave in. Indulging myself in clichés because it felt good. You felt good. So good. You made me like you. You made me like me.
You made my head spin and sometimes my body weak. I don’t know if you know that you gave me a new perspective every minute we were together. I wasn’t just looking left and right but up and down. A new game of horizon inception where my tired eyes felt like fresh eyes. There was no judging, just being. The same rule of no rule for the both of us. The only clear thing was that nothing was clear and everything felt right. Being able to experience things for the second time like it’s the first time. You gave me that.
So I had to see you again. I wanted to relive this electrifying impulse you have given me. I wanted to see if you’re looking at me the same way. If I’m looking at you the same way. Or if it’s all just a big ball of
bullshit nostalgia. Maybe you drugged me before, maybe I allowed you to made me blind for negativity because it was easier. More fun. Casual.
That’s why I have to be cautious. I need to be objective on a subjective level. But my fresh eyes turn into old eyes unable to see new perspectives. Grey thoughts behind closed eyes. Creating new memories to share is difficult because you make it hard for me to look up and down this time. We still have the rule of no rule but it doesn’t feel good. Your touch feels strange, calculated and unloving. You make my head ache and my body heavy. You excite me but it only lasts for one breathe. Nothing feels right.
But maybe I’m just too cautious. Maybe my heart is crammed, unable to make space for a new you. Maybe my mind is too busy to let you in again and my body too exhausted to get electrified. Maybe my head just needs your hands as support to be able to look up again but I’m too scared to let them near me. Maybe we just have to redefine being.
Maybe we simply don’t have enough time. This time.