Today is mother’s day. Although I’m in awe with what all the mothers around me (and on this planet really) achieved and achieve every day year round, today feels a bit different. With being pregnant and waiting for your arrival into this world little one I’m thinking a lot about what it means to be a good mum and if I’m “allowed” to celebrate today as my first mother’s day.
Spoiler: I am.
Caring. I cared for you the past nine months and I’m continue to do that for the rest of my life. And this thought doesn’t frightened me at all. I’m doing it for your dad for quite some time now. I know, I know, it probably is a different kind of caring, another level, not comparable but it still makes me vulnerable and I’m okay with that. Which brings me to the next point.
Being worried. From time to time I’m worried about you. It’s more than the worry I have for me and different to the worry I sometimes have about family and friends. It feels like I can’t share that worry with anyone. It’s mine. And it probably intensifies the minute you’re in my arms.
Being happy. Because you make me happy. Even when you kick me so hard in the ribs that I have to pause for a second to catch a quick breath. Playing around, testing your boundaries, “telling me” what you like and don’t like. You are strong and you already have a personality. You decide when to it’s time to come and meet us. And you also have to face your first – maybe even the hardest task in your life: getting out of there into this bright and noisy world. It’s not just going to be extremely hard work for me but also for you. I’m happy that we’re doing it together and I’m doing my best to help you in any way I can.
Communicating with each other. Asking how you are, reading bedtime stories to you, singing lullabies (like something not from this planet, I’m so sorry), telling you about the day ahead and the day past. Tickle, massage and stroke you gently. Probably looking like a mad woman doing all of this to her belly but you know what? I don’t care because you give me answers not everyone will understand …but I do.
Being able to say nothing. Just being there, listening.
Trusting your instincts. That’s actually something I think you helped me find and respect again and I’m grateful for that. That gut feeling something is not quite right or something feels really good, I should get out of this situation and rather do this or that. At the moment I’m deciding this for you in a way as well and trusting that I understand you and what you need and don’t need feels right.
Making mistakes. Accepting that not just being a mum but being a human being includes making mistakes as well. I think what puts “good” in front of each word is about what you do with it, how you handle it. Starting by being honest about it without forgetting self-love but with a big portion of taking responsibility. And taking action: rectify it, sometimes just admit it, apologize if need be and move on, learn from it. I’m going to make so many mistakes but that’s alright because I’m doing my best to own them.
Love. All the feels all day but mainly love. Blame it on the hormones but is it important where it’s coming from when it feels so good? Love is so much more, isn’t it? Okay, before I turn this post into a complete cheesy and banal song I just want to say: if it’s that strong already I can’t imagine what kind of avalanche must come my way once you’re here. Or maybe it comes in small drops and grows in it’s own pace.
There are so many things more to it. I can’t wait to experience them all, take it all in. Laugh, cry, become desperate, get energized, be amazed, worry, be stunned, be frightened, feel helpless, feel lucky, feel alone, wanting to be alone, be speechless, scream, love…but for now:
Happy Mother’s Day to me 💛